MODERN LIVING Black hole for male hotties

by GEORGIE BINKS (posted on the cbc homepage), freelancer in Toronto

Ever since journalists revealed they were checking out "babes" in a Chicago courtroom to fight the boredom of Conrad Black's trial last week, a @#$%^&storm has ensued.

Writer Ian Brown devoted a number of paragraphs in a recent Globe and Mail story discussing the hotness of various female legal counsel at the former media mogul's trial. The only lament was that Judge Amy St. Eve's body was covered in those darned cumbersome legal robes. It's too bad the same people designing outfits for female volleyball players can't come up with something more enticing for female judges' bodies, but give 'em time. (Don't forget the whip and boots accessories.)

On the editorial pages and in conversation this week, women have lamented that despite the fact we've made great gains professionally, we're still just good body parts to the world.

As I pondered this, I started wondering what male legal counsel at the trial looked like? Why hadn't anyone rated them for "hotness"? I know the prosecutorial team had its picture taken and distributed like it was posing for CSI: Chicago a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been able to find a list of the hot guys anywhere. I wrote to the Globe and Mail and asked for help, but the newspaper ignored me. Could its team of crack reporters be preoccupied with finding out the name of Barbara Amiel's stylist?

Then a horrifying thought hit me. Perhaps there are no hot male lawyers there. In fact, the problem might run even deeper. While we women have managed not only to scales the walls of justice, broadcasting, medicine and business, and still manage to be perceived as sex objects to the masses, what has happened with the guys? Shouldn't they be trying to upgrade in this area, just to make everything equal?

There was always a worry at the onset of the women's movement years ago that we would be Birkenstock-wearing, hairy-legged uglies if we left the house for the professional world. But thanks to Botox, new bosoms and Blahniks (Manolo) we look even hotter than ever.

Coming up Kates

Why in turn have men not been striving to equal women in the hotness arena? In fact, it's a huge problem. Look at the hot movie stars we're served up these days. George Clooney is the still world's sexiest man. The guy is practically my age. Despite the fact young females are churned out yearly, Scarlett, Kate, another Kate, Cate, Katie, etc., we rarely see a new hot young man hit the media. Yes, that guy who played Harry Potter is now showing his chest hair in magazines (watch out, they'll make you wax it), but I feel like a pedophile even looking at his picture.

Recently when I spoke to a gay male friend of mine, we lamented the dearth of new sexy guys making their way onto the scene. He and I like to spend our time watching Tim McGraw videos. We both thank God for Daniel Craig, the new James Bond.

The sad thing is that life seems to be imitating art. While older women energetically fight the ravages of time, what are the guys doing? How many men colour their hair? How many take a look at themselves and the potbellies growing over their belts, and head for the gym? Where's the Curves for guys? I think something along the line of a "Bulges" for the older male set would do a booming business.

Russell Smith, the editor of the online men's magazine, www.xyyz.ca, says, "I still think women and men are very nervous about the idea of male grooming. It's frequently mocked as something we really don't want our men to do."

Now I can't lump gay men in with this because, in fact, most of them take great care of themselves. However, that, says Smith, may be what's keeping straight men from gussying up. "All straight men know if you look too good, it looks like you're trying too hard and caring too much for yourself. It's something people think is inherently effeminate."

Guys seem to think that we don't care what they look like - we love 'em for who they are. We're not superficial. Maybe we are though. Imagine this. Take two of the players in the Black trial, like for starters Black himself and his lawyer Eddie Greenspan. Imagine putting those guys in a female wig and maybe a dress. Guys, would you want to date that? Now put them back in their suits and just imagine they are guys. Do we women want to date that? Smith says, "Someone of Eddie Greenspan's generation would really balk at dying his hair because it seems frivolous and unmanly."

Talking up tarts

When you look at Conrad Black and his wife Amiel, they actually look more like a father-daughter team. In fact, it's difficult to tell his daughter Alana from Amiel in the pictures. However, Black and Amiel aren't actually that far apart in age. I have no personal knowledge of how Amiel looks that good, but I'm guessing she colours her hair, like most women these days. I bet she does a host of other things as well. I bet he steps out of the shower every morning and gets dressed.

Check out any internet dating site. Look at the men over 40 and then take a peek at the women. Do men go bad faster? Or are they simply not trying? I think it's the latter.

So guys - why not tart up a bit? Then we can read about you in the media. We won't have to worry our pretty little well-coiffed heads wondering what your opening legal statements were or what your past legal accomplishments are. We can look at your bodies and dream.